Dark Ramblings #3 (4:18 am, Spiraling Scattered Thoughts)

4:18 am

 

No sleep.  Thinking of you.  Thoughts rattling around in my head. Just speeding in and out of my worthless mind.

Some real, others based on fantasy.

 

Please, can someone set this lonely heart at ease?

Is there anyone out there that cares?

Where has everyone gone?

Why does everyone leave?

What makes one person better than another?

 

I need the physical touch of another human being and not the coldness of meaningless words on a cellphone screen.

 

I must be a certain kind of disgusting beast

Maybe that’s why they always leave me

 

Use me for what you will. If you do then , at least, I wouldn’t be alone.

 

Maybe, it’s the fact that I am unemployed and I have nothing to offer.

(Or) That I am overweight and I am just grotesque.

Maybe, I confuse sex with love 

Sex with devotion

Maybe, it’s the fact that I am genuinely ugly as fuck .

With all this to consider…

   What if it is that I am just destined to feel alone (to be alone) for the rest of this miserable life?

 

I do not, under any circumstances, want this to be a “self-pity” entry.  I truly would like to know what exactly is it about me that makes me so easy to leave…So easy to forget and so easy to replace.

 

Is it that when someone looks at me, they don’t see any type of real future?

      Because, I don’t represent progress…

I represent disappointment?

                      financial and emotional burden?

                      failure?

                     

Could it be that I am just too fucked up for anyone to want?

                                                 too hard to love?

                                                 too easy to take advantage of?

                                                 too desperate?

 

Alone

Loneliness

 

Maybe the reason I speak of death so often is that my death will free everyone up.

    A sense of relief.

 

Can’t sleep…

    Nightmares

   Racing Thoughts

   

Can’t sleep…

    Thinking

    Thinking of you

   

Trying to figure out what the hell is so wrong with me.

Good enough for short-term fun but, not good enough or long-term commitment.

 

Yes, it’s me 

That can’t sleep

That’s thinking of You

That’s thinking of useless me

And, Yes it’s me

Once again, thinking of…

DEATH.

 

 

©Timothy Grassan

 

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